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Daily Prompt: Helpless

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January 2013
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Day 29. Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did you do about it?

My life is a constant battle of never being in control of the reins. Depression is a debilitating illness, and yes, it is an illness. I wrote this poem many years ago now. I’m still fighting in the hope that one day I will be free of the demons that torment my life.

Despair.

I feel you growing inside me,
trying hard to conquer my waking soul.
In a moment of relapse, you escape
and slowly manipulate your way
into my tired head.
In an instant you are there,
searching and gouging my weakened body,
overtaking the simplest thoughts.
You gnarl my stomach, you weighten my limbs
until I am no longer me.
You scream out ‘VICTORY’
as I answer to your every need,
driving me ever deeper
into a world of utter loneliness.
You twist my words
until I no longer speak with my own tongue.
You deny me food,
sickening every morsel
that dares to touch my lips,
you, of course, feed on something greater.
Only until your rotten hunger is satisfied,
when every good thing I ever possessed has gone,
only then, do you leave me.
I feel cold,
void of any emotions, just an empty shell.
I search frantically within myself
for that smallest glimmer of life.
Screaming inwardly, searching everywhere,
but the flame is too small
my emptiness too great.
I am alone now,
but perhaps one day the fire will return,
releasing my trapped and tormented soul
so that I can cry out
‘I HAVE WON THIS BATTLE’
and, I now again belong to me.

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21 Comments

  1. dmgartphoto says:

    Good poem and I do hope that you overcome your demons.

    • sarahneeve says:

      Thanks for taking the time to like and comment.
      One day I hope to, been suffering for more than 30 years now, but hey, I smile when the good days come around. 🙂

  2. twindaddy says:

    Great poem! That applies to me, too. I’ve felt that way many a time and I’m fighting like hell to keep it from happening again.

  3. elleturner4 says:

    One of the first things I noticed in about your writing (in Blogfestivus actually) was how your words paint pictures in my head. They are so descriptive and graphic. I think you are very brave (and as a songwriter I know how hard it can be to put your innermost feelings ‘out there’) and your words carry great depth. Let’s see more of your poetry I say. 🙂

    • sarahneeve says:

      Oh, I haven’t shared them with anyone in ages. But thanks for the kind words, it’s one of the biggest compliments to have when someone says your words paint pictures. So thanks, you’ve made my day. 🙂

  4. seeker says:

    Let your suffering go to waste and I can see that you are utilizing it by writing a poem, by blogging and among other things that still yet to discover. You, HappyHugger , Me (seeker) have something in common. I have come to accept it and now at peace with it. Medication helps. Last year, I told *hugs* CBT opened a wide door for me. I learned to use the song of Lady GaGA “I was born this way” when people ask me about mental issue. Not mine, theirs. Then I started doing the GaGa thing and they shut up. Life is grand. 😀

    • sarahneeve says:

      I assume CBT is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? If it is, I went through a year of CAT, Cognitive Analytic Therapy. It did help me to learn how to react in the correct manner, and that self-harming didn’t solve my issues, but as to the depression, it will always be a battle.

      • seeker says:

        correction: DO NOT Let your suffering go to waste, I made an omission. Yes, you have the right assumption. I agree with you that depression will stay, no cure. Even ECT did not help. However, there’s plenty of help out there. Take care.

  5. […] Daily Prompt: Helpless (sarahneeve.wordpress.com) […]

  6. Joe Owens says:

    I hope you are finding other ways to deal with the feelings that trouble you. Depression and despair can weigh heavily. Thanks for reading and commenting.

  7. SnappyJaye says:

    I just think you beautifully captured the simultaneous weight and emptiness that is depression. So honest and pure!

  8. Beautiful deep raw writing. The best! Sending you a big cyber hug. Paulette

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