Day 29. Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did you do about it?
My life is a constant battle of never being in control of the reins. Depression is a debilitating illness, and yes, it is an illness. I wrote this poem many years ago now. I’m still fighting in the hope that one day I will be free of the demons that torment my life.
I feel you growing inside me,
trying hard to conquer my waking soul.
In a moment of relapse, you escape
and slowly manipulate your way
into my tired head.
In an instant you are there,
searching and gouging my weakened body,
overtaking the simplest thoughts.
You gnarl my stomach, you weighten my limbs
until I am no longer me.
You scream out ‘VICTORY’
as I answer to your every need,
driving me ever deeper
into a world of utter loneliness.
You twist my words
until I no longer speak with my own tongue.
You deny me food,
sickening every morsel
that dares to touch my lips,
you, of course, feed on something greater.
Only until your rotten hunger is satisfied,
when every good thing I ever possessed has gone,
only then, do you leave me.
I feel cold,
void of any emotions, just an empty shell.
I search frantically within myself
for that smallest glimmer of life.
Screaming inwardly, searching everywhere,
but the flame is too small
my emptiness too great.
I am alone now,
but perhaps one day the fire will return,
releasing my trapped and tormented soul
so that I can cry out
‘I HAVE WON THIS BATTLE’
and, I now again belong to me.